Saturday, November 20, 2010

hotpocket buddha says...

we don't make money. we hold it for the landlord.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

for my jew peeps

i seriously think it's a prerequisite that before you become a rabbi you have to have the driest most monotone voice in the entire fucking world. i'm gonna patent a white noise machine and sell it to sharper image. it's gonna have five settings: ocean, amazon jungle, summer breeze, crickets, and rabbi story.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

accidental pregnancy

saw a woman in the museum today. she had a bed sheet wrapped around her child's waist as sort of a make-shift leash. when it comes time for that kid to get a higher education his parents are gonna write "college" on the garage and spend the rest of the money on meth and slim jims.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

my team

the cubs win today is like being proud you only crapped your pants a little.

24 hours in guidoville

i think the new jersey state flag should be an entourage season 2 dvd making uncomfortable advances at a bowl of pasta.

Friday, May 28, 2010


gary coleman 1968-2010: watchoo talkin' about death?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

gray hairs

poured some ranch dressing on my chicken sandwich. it came out too fast. i looked at it. a bird chirped.

i'm 28.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

explanation for my absence

i'm building a fat robot named gravytron.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

give a hoot, don't get knocked up

said it once and i'll say it again. i friggin' hate the child leash. unless you gave birth to a dog don't walk it. i understand parenting's the hardest job there is. which is why i think everyone should stop and ask themselves if they're seriously ready for the commitment and hard work that goes along with having a kid. i'm looking in your direction overzealous catholic families. no more "tiny miralces." the last thing we need is 12 more dudes named "sean" in the drunk tank at cook county. also, i like how they put the teddy bear or the hippo on the end to try to deflect the fact that you have your kid on a leash. god bless the marketing geniuses that came up with that one. it's not child abuse. it's furry.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

quality time

it just gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to know that somewhere out there a family rented THE ARISTOCRATS thinking they were getting THE ARISTOCATS.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

awww yeah

grocery shopping today with nothing on but a thong made out of cinnamon dental floss and a can of beans. gonna pitch a show to the fashion network about how to look sexy after the apocalypse. bending over old ladies in the produce aisle. "ahh excuse me. i just need to reach over you and get that bell pepper. (sniff) mmm fresh. feels juicy. you like juicy peppers?" "security!"

Friday, January 8, 2010

moses smell the hoses

i think there should be an all jewish porn called "the burning bush."