Saturday, July 30, 2016

just fucking vote for hillary (a public service announcement)

just fucking vote for hillary. seriously. i was all for sanders and now that he's out of the picture i'm voting for hillary. and i don't want to have to explain to republicans why they shouldn't vote for a man who is BY DEFINITION (as in the dictionary) a fascist and is endorsed by neo-nazis. and i don't want to have to explain to liberals looking to vote third party why all this armchair proletariat shit they're trying to pull will propel a man into the white house who will CRIPPLE everything they're trying to achieve and make their situation astronomically worse. i don't want to explain it because it's obvious. and i shouldn't have to explain obvious things to adults. and if you still wanna go "fuck you lee. you only strengthened my resolve" then fine. come visit me in canada when you need a job because the US dollar is as worthless as the steaks your dipshit president tried to sell on sharper image. cus that's where i'm taking my family and headed if my other option is living in a country that has to utter the phrase "donald trump is my president." cus while i'm proud to be an american there's no way i can proudly say that. none of you should be able to say that and keep a straight face. that's one thing we all have in common. in fact let's all come together and unite behind that. there. problem solved. hillary's president. we all don't die. now let's talk about a cubs world series.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

dream

had a dream last night that i was traveling abroad with two other people. on a whim we decide to take a trip to south america before heading back to the states. the ticket attendant tells me it will be $550 and $350 respectively. i suddenly realize you need money to buy plane tickets. i become visibly upset. the attendant calls over her manager. he looks at me and goes "are you biggie smalls?" i tell him i am not. he gives me a sly look and instructs her to give me the tickets for free. i wake up. dream analysis: biggie's alive and he's stuck in an airport in europe.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

congratulations

lady on the bus was sitting in the handicapped seat. woman with a wheelchair gets on. lady in the handicapped seat goes "shit, this is stupid. now i have to get up and move to the back." streamers shot out and a banner dropped reading "one billionth shitty person on the bus." everyone applauded. she thanked us and exited on milwaukee. halfway to crossing the street she turned around and went "wait, what do i get?" the driver hit it into high gear and ran her over. backing over her legs once more for good measure. bloody, beaten, she dragged herself onto her transfer bus. there was a fat man wearing a blue tooth headset sitting in the handicapped seat. "goddamnit," he went "this is bullshit."

Thursday, January 3, 2013

shit my cat says

"listen, i've gone through more hardships than i can count. i've spent a good portion of my life on the streets, been in an orphanage, contracted diseases n' viruses which require numerous pills n' shots, and been tossed from owner to owner. i thank my lucky stars that i've finally ended up in a home like this with loving people like you. which is why i ask very politely very humbly that you never leave the big bang theory on in the den while you take a shower. that show is awful. i've had enough hardships for one lifetime. now pet me. pet me till it goes away." -mingus

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

friday

"kickin' in the front seat, kickin' in the back seat." -rebecca black with a car full of dead bodies she imagines are still alive

Monday, January 16, 2012

hybrid

half phantom of the opera, half barry manilow= scary manilow

Thursday, January 12, 2012

decisions

"alright, it took all night but we've narrowed it down to two names: blonde willow blend and ambiguously gay wizard roast..." -starbucks board room meeting