Tuesday, December 29, 2009


i think busch should change its motto "cold as a mountain stream. smooth as its name" to "your parents are worried about you."

child abuse

man, i am looking at a really ugly baby right now. it's got huge bags under it's eyes. looks like a 44-year-old bald man that's been up for three days straight playing world of warcraft and drinking strong cuban coffee. "hi. my name's clarence. i make all my own toys."


my roommate just brought home a 49 cent box of aldi popcorn called "corn town."

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

holiday music

at work listening to "when christmas comes to town" off the polar express soundtrack. little boy singing in this grating high-pitched off-key voice. i'm gonna make a hanukkah album of me screaming with the sound of alley cat fights and nigerian cab driver arguments in the background. i'm gonna play it at your church and we'll see how you like it.


jesus walked on water cus it was a public pool.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

doctor fuck you

has anyone seen these cancer treatment center of america commercials? where patients talk about their past experiences before coming to the cancer treatment center. one guy goes "this big burly doctor turns to me and goes 'what are you smiling about? you've got six months to live.'" yeah, right. "you got cancer bitch. suck my balls (throws the clipboard at 'im)"

Monday, December 7, 2009


some people split the atom. some people shake the vending machine.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

we have a winner

working ticket check at the museum entrance. amorphous blob of a woman asks me why she was being singled out.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

insomnia at the museum

at work. 9 or 10 hours of sleep in the past three days. sleep deprivation's starting to get to me. gonna giggle like a prospector. ask little kids if they've seen salad fingers.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


"why, thank you scarlett johansson. i will have another pork chop. i...wait. what the fuck is that?" "i think it's your alarm." "no. no goddamnit! no!" "don't worry. i'll be back." "really?" "yeah, with lou dobbs." "noooo!"


staring at a 300 pound woman with a permed mullet. she looks like mick foley did it with andre the giant. "groaaar that feels good pretty lady." nice carl's jr. bathroom accident offspring in an oversized navy blue american flag tee. gary's finest.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

keepin' it real

the landlord's handymen came to change the air filters in my apartment this morning. i had to pretend like i wasn't some sad sack of shit that'd been up all night. the plate of hot nachos on the den table might have been a giveaway. what? those? those are my breakfast nachos. what about it?

Thursday, November 12, 2009


saw this brinks home security commercial. it opens with a girl in her thirties seeing her other thirty-something year-old friends out of her house after a small get-together. she turns to this blond guy and goes "it was nice to meet you, a.j." a.j. shyly goes "yeah, you too." she points at her friend and mouths "who is that guy?" her friend mouths back "i dunno." a few seconds later he's at her back door. she goes "a.j.?" he has this huge frown on his face and punches in her window. the alarm goes off. alright, aside from being a comically stupid and far-fetched scenario who the hell lets some random dude dressed in a flannel into their house and then lets him hang out for hours on end without saying anything. "oh, these hickory smoked nuts are delicious. stop me before i eat the whole bowl." "hehe i know. creepy guy, would you like some nuts?" "i'm gonna smell you." "what?" "nothing."

a thought

i just had a mental picture of a neo-nazi blaming inanimate objects around his house for things that go wrong. "pizza's cold. you're going down coat rack!" "it didn't dvr HOUSE. graaaaahhhhh ottomaaaaaan!"


tunnel of love tennis bracelet just sounds wrong.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

travel writing

here's a travel article i wrote. it's on my apartment. tell me what you think.

there's a beautiful cobblestone lighthouse from the late 1800s...on a picture my grandma painted for me. next to a spaceheater and a garbage bag of dirty clothes. where you goin'? don't leave. and it's FREE!

Monday, November 9, 2009

a customer

lady, i understand you spoke to three people. but if two of them were in your head your complaint loses validity.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


dear tailgaters,

please go behind one of the trucks when you have to take a piss.

i'm tired of taking the metra to work only to look to my left and see some george wendt look-alike with his meat cone sticking out.


GAAAAAH! my fucking eyes!

Friday, November 6, 2009


watching TRUE LIFE: I'M IN THE SEX INDUSTRY. my favorite is the guy who does gay porn but is like "dude, i'm not gay. it just pays well."

you're gay. or at the very least bi. nothing wrong with that. but no one let's two dudes billy club him while a bear margarine substitutes up his cornhole because it's got a blue cross PPO.

also, is there a cap on straight porn? do you have to go through bud selig to do more than 10? do extra, genius.

on-line dating

i'm gonna put a profile for charles bukowski on okcupid.

Thursday, November 5, 2009


i've been getting progressively dumber. in high school i would read the beats and french symbolist literature. i tried rereading rimbaud the other day and had to stop after ten pages. by the time i'm 35 i'll be wiping my ass with lottery tickets and sending fan letters to ryan reynolds. by the time i'm 50 i'll just be a pile of rags or reading the twilight series.

grandpa, no

"cars for kisses! get your cars for kisses!"

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


sexual harassment seminar at work today. gotta get my harassing out of the way.

gonna walk around in a captain's hat with an untucked uniform banging a pan going "VAAAAGINA!"

ask terrible questions: "if i whisper it is it still harassment?" "can i evite you to my apartment?"

then my phone will go off. the ringtone will be the rape scene from DELIVERANCE.

i'll say "hold on! it's a fat stupid woman!" and walk out in my assless chaps.

three guys will take notes.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

listen up!

alright, who got my roommate stoned? he just put his popcorn in a grocery bag and went to watch dune.


i can't figure out what possesses somebody to comment on and rate internet porn. do you really need to be vocal about it after you've viewed it?

"well, her face looked good but her vagina looked like a garbage bag left in the rain. this gets my lowest rating ever. 8 out of 5 stars."

winter clothes

i know what you're thinking and yes those are the awesomest gloves you have ever seen. don't ask me where i got them from. all i know is they make me look like a gay bladerunner.

deal breaker

right before sex strip naked and go "GENITAL TIME!"

Monday, November 2, 2009


hello, tony's pizza? yeah, this is lee kitzis. could you please connect me to lance pepperoni. he knows why i'm calling.


just saw an interview with the woman who offered sex for world series tickets.

anybody who gets hard when they see a 50-something year old pockmarked woman named susan finklestein really should have those tickets removed from their possession.

she looks like an old jewish man did it with another old jewish man and threw a blonde wig on it.

little known fact

the alternative name for THE PHILLY PHANATIC was ALIEN PENIS MCGEE