beer

i think busch should change its motto "cold as a mountain stream. smooth as its name" to "your parents are worried about you."

child abuse

man, i am looking at a really ugly baby right now. it's got huge bags under it's eyes. looks like a 44-year-old bald man that's been up for three days straight playing world of warcraft and drinking strong cuban coffee. "hi. my name's clarence. i make all my own toys."

popcorn

my roommate just brought home a 49 cent box of aldi popcorn called "corn town."

holiday music

at work listening to "when christmas comes to town" off the polar express soundtrack. little boy singing in this grating high-pitched off-key voice. i'm gonna make a hanukkah album of me screaming with the sound of alley cat fights and nigerian cab driver arguments in the background. i'm gonna play it at your church and we'll see how you like it.

hygiene

jesus walked on water cus it was a public pool.

doctor fuck you

has anyone seen these cancer treatment center of america commercials? where patients talk about their past experiences before coming to the cancer treatment center. one guy goes "this big burly doctor turns to me and goes 'what are you smiling about? you've got six months to live.'" yeah, right. "you got cancer bitch. suck my balls (throws the clipboard at 'im)"

science

some people split the atom. some people shake the vending machine.

we have a winner

working ticket check at the museum entrance. amorphous blob of a woman asks me why she was being singled out.