dream

had a dream last night that i was traveling abroad with two other people. on a whim we decide to take a trip to south america before heading back to the states. the ticket attendant tells me it will be $550 and $350 respectively. i suddenly realize you need money to buy plane tickets. i become visibly upset. the attendant calls over her manager. he looks at me and goes "are you biggie smalls?" i tell him i am not. he gives me a sly look and instructs her to give me the tickets for free. i wake up. dream analysis: biggie's alive and he's stuck in an airport in europe.

congratulations

lady on the bus was sitting in the handicapped seat. woman with a wheelchair gets on. lady in the handicapped seat goes "shit, this is stupid. now i have to get up and move to the back." streamers shot out and a banner dropped reading "one billionth shitty person on the bus." everyone applauded. she thanked us and exited on milwaukee. halfway to crossing the street she turned around and went "wait, what do i get?" the driver hit it into high gear and ran her over. backing over her legs once more for good measure. bloody, beaten, she dragged herself onto her transfer bus. there was a fat man wearing a blue tooth headset sitting in the handicapped seat. "goddamnit," he went "this is bullshit."

shit my cat says

"listen, i've gone through more hardships than i can count. i've spent a good portion of my life on the streets, been in an orphanage, contracted diseases n' viruses which require numerous pills n' shots, and been tossed from owner to owner. i thank my lucky stars that i've finally ended up in a home like this with loving people like you. which is why i ask very politely very humbly that you never leave the big bang theory on in the den while you take a shower. that show is awful. i've had enough hardships for one lifetime. now pet me. pet me till it goes away." -mingus