quality time

it just gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to know that somewhere out there a family rented THE ARISTOCRATS thinking they were getting THE ARISTOCATS.

awww yeah

grocery shopping today with nothing on but a thong made out of cinnamon dental floss and a can of beans. gonna pitch a show to the fashion network about how to look sexy after the apocalypse. bending over old ladies in the produce aisle. "ahh excuse me. i just need to reach over you and get that bell pepper. (sniff) mmm fresh. feels juicy. you like juicy peppers?" "security!"

moses smell the hoses

i think there should be an all jewish porn called "the burning bush."

beer

i think busch should change its motto "cold as a mountain stream. smooth as its name" to "your parents are worried about you."

child abuse

man, i am looking at a really ugly baby right now. it's got huge bags under it's eyes. looks like a 44-year-old bald man that's been up for three days straight playing world of warcraft and drinking strong cuban coffee. "hi. my name's clarence. i make all my own toys."

popcorn

my roommate just brought home a 49 cent box of aldi popcorn called "corn town."

holiday music

at work listening to "when christmas comes to town" off the polar express soundtrack. little boy singing in this grating high-pitched off-key voice. i'm gonna make a hanukkah album of me screaming with the sound of alley cat fights and nigerian cab driver arguments in the background. i'm gonna play it at your church and we'll see how you like it.