on the cubs

believing in the cubs at this point is kinda like believing in santa clause. eventually you'll find out santa clause is a hateful alcoholic. and that he only exists in your imagination. unfortunately, being a sox fan is worse.

cream

just saw an ad for CREAM (the alcohol based whip cream). just call it what it is: professor fattington's give up fluff.

stimulating conversation

handyman: sorry i'm late to fix the buzzer. me: nah, it's alright man. i had the early shift. i've been drinking vodka all day. handyman: okay, well then...good day.

mixologist

invented a new drink: the fuckittini. just add 2 ounces of vodka before 8 hours of a crappy job.

food court

dear tater tot,

i reviewed your case file for falling on the floor. unfortunately, i feel inclined to direct you to the case of lee v. five second rule.

i sentence you to my mouth for a term of no more than 3 chews.

sincerely,

judge delicious

hotpocket buddha says...

we don't make money. we hold it for the landlord.

for my jew peeps

i seriously think it's a prerequisite that before you become a rabbi you have to have the driest most monotone voice in the entire fucking world. i'm gonna patent a white noise machine and sell it to sharper image. it's gonna have five settings: ocean, amazon jungle, summer breeze, crickets, and rabbi story.