Extinguish Me

friday

2012-01-17T14:34:00.000-08:00

"kickin' in the front seat, kickin' in the back seat." -rebecca black with a car full of dead bodies she imagines are still alive

hybrid

2012-01-16T14:39:00.000-08:00

half phantom of the opera, half barry manilow= scary manilow

decisions

2012-01-12T20:57:00.000-08:00

"alright, it took all night but we've narrowed it down to two names: blonde willow blend and ambiguously gay wizard roast..." -starbucks board room meeting

fuckin' tea party

2012-01-10T09:41:00.000-08:00

there can't be anything worse for a mexican immigrant than coming to this country working really hard and finding out there's a new comedy where rob schneider marries a mexican woman.

when is this country gonna treat all its citizens fairly?

hot sauce update y'all

2011-09-18T14:25:00.000-07:00

my hot sauce site's up and running!

go to badseedhotsauce.blogspot.com and get you some fiery deliciousness.

two for sale: beelzeburn® (habanero) and green steam® (jalapeno/serrano).

they're as tasty as my words.

i don't know what that means either. just order some.

hugs.

-lee kitzis

dreamboat

2011-09-13T15:00:00.000-07:00

took the totally rad 80s boyfriend quiz on facebook.

got pablo escobar.

treat williams vs. tom berenger (a short play)

2011-09-12T15:49:00.000-07:00

me: kitty wanna watch the substitute 2 with me? you wanna watch substitute 2? yeah, kitty wants to watch substitute 2.

cat (leaves the room)

END

hottened sauce

2011-09-06T11:12:00.000-07:00

oh, i make and sell my own hot sauce now.

bad seed hot sauce company should be up and running within the next 1 1/2-2 weeks. keep your eyes peeled to badseedhotsauce.blogspot.com.

two flavors to start: a red habanero and a green jalapeno/serrano. both affordable, hot as all get out and delicious like a mofo. if you love me you'll tell all your friends and then buy a bunch and put it in your face. that's our slogan, actually. it's a working one.

-lee kitzis (ceo ((aka guy who makes hot sauce in his kitchen while listening to "like a boss")))

labor day

2011-09-05T14:54:00.000-07:00

happy people-that-get-paid-a-shitty-ass-unlivable-wage-to-make-this-country-run day everyone!

on the cubs

2011-06-29T16:19:00.000-07:00

believing in the cubs at this point is kinda like believing in santa clause. eventually you'll find out santa clause is a hateful alcoholic. and that he only exists in your imagination. unfortunately, being a sox fan is worse.

cream

2011-04-30T11:14:00.000-07:00

just saw an ad for CREAM (the alcohol based whip cream). just call it what it is: professor fattington's give up fluff.

stimulating conversation

2011-04-21T13:30:00.001-07:00

handyman: sorry i'm late to fix the buzzer. me: nah, it's alright man. i had the early shift. i've been drinking vodka all day. handyman: okay, well then...good day.

mixologist

2011-02-17T14:59:00.000-08:00

invented a new drink: the fuckittini. just add 2 ounces of vodka before 8 hours of a crappy job.

food court

2011-02-13T16:43:00.000-08:00

dear tater tot,

i reviewed your case file for falling on the floor. unfortunately, i feel inclined to direct you to the case of lee v. five second rule.

i sentence you to my mouth for a term of no more than 3 chews.

sincerely,

judge delicious

hotpocket buddha says...

2010-11-20T16:31:00.000-08:00

we don't make money. we hold it for the landlord.

for my jew peeps

2010-09-05T16:56:00.000-07:00

i seriously think it's a prerequisite that before you become a rabbi you have to have the driest most monotone voice in the entire fucking world. i'm gonna patent a white noise machine and sell it to sharper image. it's gonna have five settings: ocean, amazon jungle, summer breeze, crickets, and rabbi story.

accidental pregnancy

2010-08-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

saw a woman in the museum today. she had a bed sheet wrapped around her child's waist as sort of a make-shift leash. when it comes time for that kid to get a higher education his parents are gonna write "college" on the garage and spend the rest of the money on meth and slim jims.

kwanzaa gift fail

2010-07-05T11:50:00.001-07:00

my team

2010-06-27T17:19:00.000-07:00

the cubs win today is like being proud you only crapped your pants a little.

24 hours in guidoville

2010-06-27T17:15:00.000-07:00

i think the new jersey state flag should be an entourage season 2 dvd making uncomfortable advances at a bowl of pasta.

r.i.p.

2010-05-28T13:36:00.000-07:00

gary coleman 1968-2010: watchoo talkin' about death?

gray hairs

2010-04-14T18:49:00.000-07:00

poured some ranch dressing on my chicken sandwich. it came out too fast. i looked at it. a bird chirped.

i'm 28.

explanation for my absence

2010-03-21T19:14:00.000-07:00

i'm building a fat robot named gravytron.

give a hoot, don't get knocked up

2010-02-03T18:27:00.000-08:00

said it once and i'll say it again. i friggin' hate the child leash. unless you gave birth to a dog don't walk it. i understand parenting's the hardest job there is. which is why i think everyone should stop and ask themselves if they're seriously ready for the commitment and hard work that goes along with having a kid. i'm looking in your direction overzealous catholic families. no more "tiny miralces." the last thing we need is 12 more dudes named "sean" in the drunk tank at cook county. also, i like how they put the teddy bear or the hippo on the end to try to deflect the fact that you have your kid on a leash. god bless the marketing geniuses that came up with that one. it's not child abuse. it's furry.

quality time

2010-01-12T17:36:00.000-08:00

it just gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to know that somewhere out there a family rented THE ARISTOCRATS thinking they were getting THE ARISTOCATS.

awww yeah

2010-01-09T16:38:00.000-08:00

grocery shopping today with nothing on but a thong made out of cinnamon dental floss and a can of beans. gonna pitch a show to the fashion network about how to look sexy after the apocalypse. bending over old ladies in the produce aisle. "ahh excuse me. i just need to reach over you and get that bell pepper. (sniff) mmm fresh. feels juicy. you like juicy peppers?" "security!"

moses smell the hoses

2010-01-08T15:53:00.001-08:00

i think there should be an all jewish porn called "the burning bush."

beer

2009-12-29T17:53:00.000-08:00

i think busch should change its motto "cold as a mountain stream. smooth as its name" to "your parents are worried about you."

child abuse

2009-12-29T17:25:00.000-08:00

man, i am looking at a really ugly baby right now. it's got huge bags under it's eyes. looks like a 44-year-old bald man that's been up for three days straight playing world of warcraft and drinking strong cuban coffee. "hi. my name's clarence. i make all my own toys."

popcorn

2009-12-29T17:11:00.000-08:00

my roommate just brought home a 49 cent box of aldi popcorn called "corn town."

holiday music

2009-12-23T23:19:00.000-08:00

at work listening to "when christmas comes to town" off the polar express soundtrack. little boy singing in this grating high-pitched off-key voice. i'm gonna make a hanukkah album of me screaming with the sound of alley cat fights and nigerian cab driver arguments in the background. i'm gonna play it at your church and we'll see how you like it.

hygiene

2009-12-23T23:15:00.000-08:00

jesus walked on water cus it was a public pool.

doctor fuck you

2009-12-15T10:04:00.000-08:00

has anyone seen these cancer treatment center of america commercials? where patients talk about their past experiences before coming to the cancer treatment center. one guy goes "this big burly doctor turns to me and goes 'what are you smiling about? you've got six months to live.'" yeah, right. "you got cancer bitch. suck my balls (throws the clipboard at 'im)"

science

2009-12-07T20:43:00.000-08:00

some people split the atom. some people shake the vending machine.

we have a winner

2009-12-06T17:55:00.000-08:00

working ticket check at the museum entrance. amorphous blob of a woman asks me why she was being singled out.

insomnia at the museum

2009-11-28T14:34:00.000-08:00

at work. 9 or 10 hours of sleep in the past three days. sleep deprivation's starting to get to me. gonna giggle like a prospector. ask little kids if they've seen salad fingers.

dream

2009-11-22T18:09:00.000-08:00

"why, thank you scarlett johansson. i will have another pork chop. i...wait. what the fuck is that?" "i think it's your alarm." "no. no goddamnit! no!" "don't worry. i'll be back." "really?" "yeah, with lou dobbs." "noooo!"

hottie

2009-11-22T18:01:00.000-08:00

staring at a 300 pound woman with a permed mullet. she looks like mick foley did it with andre the giant. "groaaar that feels good pretty lady." nice carl's jr. bathroom accident offspring in an oversized navy blue american flag tee. gary's finest.

keepin' it real

2009-11-14T16:29:00.000-08:00

the landlord's handymen came to change the air filters in my apartment this morning. i had to pretend like i wasn't some sad sack of shit that'd been up all night. the plate of hot nachos on the den table might have been a giveaway. what? those? those are my breakfast nachos. what about it?

commercial

2009-11-12T14:26:00.000-08:00

saw this brinks home security commercial. it opens with a girl in her thirties seeing her other thirty-something year-old friends out of her house after a small get-together. she turns to this blond guy and goes "it was nice to meet you, a.j." a.j. shyly goes "yeah, you too." she points at her friend and mouths "who is that guy?" her friend mouths back "i dunno." a few seconds later he's at her back door. she goes "a.j.?" he has this huge frown on his face and punches in her window. the alarm goes off. alright, aside from being a comically stupid and far-fetched scenario who the hell lets some random dude dressed in a flannel into their house and then lets him hang out for hours on end without saying anything. "oh, these hickory smoked nuts are delicious. stop me before i eat the whole bowl." "hehe i know. creepy guy, would you like some nuts?" "i'm gonna smell you." "what?" "nothing."

a thought

2009-11-12T14:03:00.000-08:00

i just had a mental picture of a neo-nazi blaming inanimate objects around his house for things that go wrong. "pizza's cold. you're going down coat rack!" "it didn't dvr HOUSE. graaaaahhhhh ottomaaaaaan!"

jewelry

2009-11-12T01:49:00.000-08:00

tunnel of love tennis bracelet just sounds wrong.

travel writing

2009-11-10T16:02:00.001-08:00

here's a travel article i wrote. it's on my apartment. tell me what you think.

there's a beautiful cobblestone lighthouse from the late 1800s...on a picture my grandma painted for me. next to a spaceheater and a garbage bag of dirty clothes. where you goin'? don't leave. and it's FREE!

a customer

2009-11-09T16:43:00.000-08:00

lady, i understand you spoke to three people. but if two of them were in your head your complaint loses validity.

football

2009-11-08T16:32:00.000-08:00

dear tailgaters,

please go behind one of the trucks when you have to take a piss.

i'm tired of taking the metra to work only to look to my left and see some george wendt look-alike with his meat cone sticking out.

sincerely,

GAAAAAH! my fucking eyes!

denial

2009-11-06T16:42:00.000-08:00

watching TRUE LIFE: I'M IN THE SEX INDUSTRY. my favorite is the guy who does gay porn but is like "dude, i'm not gay. it just pays well."

you're gay. or at the very least bi. nothing wrong with that. but no one let's two dudes billy club him while a bear margarine substitutes up his cornhole because it's got a blue cross PPO.

also, is there a cap on straight porn? do you have to go through bud selig to do more than 10? do extra, genius.

on-line dating

2009-11-06T15:38:00.000-08:00

i'm gonna put a profile for charles bukowski on okcupid.

reading

2009-11-05T19:02:00.000-08:00

i've been getting progressively dumber. in high school i would read the beats and french symbolist literature. i tried rereading rimbaud the other day and had to stop after ten pages. by the time i'm 35 i'll be wiping my ass with lottery tickets and sending fan letters to ryan reynolds. by the time i'm 50 i'll just be a pile of rags or reading the twilight series.

grandpa, no

2009-11-05T13:44:00.000-08:00

"cars for kisses! get your cars for kisses!"

harassment

2009-11-04T16:52:00.000-08:00

sexual harassment seminar at work today. gotta get my harassing out of the way.

gonna walk around in a captain's hat with an untucked uniform banging a pan going "VAAAAGINA!"

ask terrible questions: "if i whisper it is it still harassment?" "can i evite you to my apartment?"

then my phone will go off. the ringtone will be the rape scene from DELIVERANCE.

i'll say "hold on! it's a fat stupid woman!" and walk out in my assless chaps.

three guys will take notes.

listen up!

2009-11-03T20:29:00.001-08:00

alright, who got my roommate stoned? he just put his popcorn in a grocery bag and went to watch dune.

critics

2009-11-03T17:27:00.000-08:00

i can't figure out what possesses somebody to comment on and rate internet porn. do you really need to be vocal about it after you've viewed it?

"well, her face looked good but her vagina looked like a garbage bag left in the rain. this gets my lowest rating ever. 8 out of 5 stars."

winter clothes

2009-11-03T17:09:00.000-08:00

i know what you're thinking and yes those are the awesomest gloves you have ever seen. don't ask me where i got them from. all i know is they make me look like a gay bladerunner.

deal breaker

2009-11-03T16:42:00.000-08:00

right before sex strip naked and go "GENITAL TIME!"

toppings

2009-11-02T21:58:00.000-08:00

hello, tony's pizza? yeah, this is lee kitzis. could you please connect me to lance pepperoni. he knows why i'm calling.

MILNF

2009-11-02T21:46:00.000-08:00

just saw an interview with the woman who offered sex for world series tickets.

anybody who gets hard when they see a 50-something year old pockmarked woman named susan finklestein really should have those tickets removed from their possession.

she looks like an old jewish man did it with another old jewish man and threw a blonde wig on it.

little known fact

2009-11-02T19:18:00.000-08:00

the alternative name for THE PHILLY PHANATIC was ALIEN PENIS MCGEE